Being strong is being real

These thoughts have been on my mind for the last few months, as I lost a dear member of my family. Trying to deal with this loss got me thinking about how society behaves and expects us to behave in such painful situations, and how sometimes it is at odds with what we feel, with what we need. Writing is a catharsis, a therapy that I highly recommend. So here are my findings.

Phase 1: Spreading the news

Our lives revolve around people, whether they are family, colleagues, friends, acquaintances. We are social animals. And so, there comes a point when we have to inform people that we have lost someone, even though our behaviour, facial expressions might already have hinted at an unfortunate event. And it happens that most reactions we face are ill-suited.

Some people come up with general, philosophical life considerations such as “you should be happy that they lived that long”, “they are in a better place now”, “cherish the good memories you have with them”, “time will erase all the pain”. Although they might be well-intended, none of these ready-made sentences brought me comfort.

But at least it is better than nothing: some people do not say anything at all. They never mention it, they choose to ignore it. And then, they avoid crossing your path for a while. Avoid talking to you for a while. Because death is uncomfortable. Death is painful. It scares them to mention it as it will bring the scary concept of death closer to them, making it more real.

As if death were contagious.
As if as long as we managed to avoid thinking about it, we would live forever.

I realised other situations triggered the same runaway reaction: serious illnesses, financial difficulties, complicated relationships. The most comforting gesture I experienced was from someone who had themselves gone through the same thing not long ago, and who hugged me with great empathy.

Phase 2: Behaving appropriately

The workplace generally calculates the amount of time off you are given according to how close in the family tree the person you lost was to you. It ignores the fact you might be closer to your best friend than to your own sibling. It ignores the fact that recovering from the loss a former colleague or even a pet might require more time than the actual day of the ceremony, and lets you negotiate your way through it, all by yourself.

Once back in the routine, you are supposed to behave as if nothing happened. Find the energy to get up in the morning, to look your best, to dress your body in a colourful attire even though everything is dark inside. Hide your true colours, in a way. Life goes on and so should you: move on!  Talking about it is not encouraged, so get your act together: show commitment, be brave, hide emotions. Otherwise, you are weak. No one likes a weak person, actually, no one wants to be one, as weaknesses could be used against you. Society values looks up to and rewards strong leaders, not followers!

This dictatorship of resilience results in a behaviour that strives to bury itself in work to
forget the pain, instead of dealing with it.

And it makes everyone happy. A productive employee, a peaceful society, and a happy individual. Until the problem surfaces.

Phase 0: Going back to the roots

To understand why we inherited such a system, why we accept it and choose to perpetuate it, let’s go back to the beginning.

Photo by Zach Reiner on Unsplash

Early on, boys are generally taught not to express their feelings, not to show their emotions, their sadness. Boys don’t cry. They must be the ones we can count on, who take initiative, the strong element that will allow the family to get through difficulties, to survive.

Little girls are allowed to cry but to a certain extent: it must be contained and not bother people, or else they are reminded to be polite and agreeable. Growing up, they are taught to forget their own feelings and pay attention to and care about the people around them.

Remember the popular kids at school? They were not the bright and hard-working ones, polite and considerate to the teacher and to classmates. These were deemed second-class attributes and behaving this way got you the infamous “geek” nickname. Instead, popular kids were the best football player and the most beautiful girl. The toughest boy and the best-dressed girl. Both oozed confidence and happiness, attracting many friends who worshipped them. These are the types of personality we used to look up to. And still, do in the workplace. No matter how skilled you really are, project confidence and you’ll be successful.

Your self-doubt, your insatisfaction, and your thirst for success shape you to become a great customer.

The whole economy is based on it. The marketing industry capitalises on it and showcases power couples, perfect families and happy friendships. Introducing: the new religion of instant and carefree satisfaction whose prophets are influencers, making a comfortable living from promoting their lifestyle, beauty and youth all of which you can acquire by dressing, eating, and travelling like them! The mindset that is being pushed on us — which rates appearance above your inner self, rejects negative emotions and pursues positive ones — leads to behavioural schizophrenia, with severe consequences.

It prioritises the pursuit of instant gratification over longlasting happiness. In the “highly unlikely” event — as they say — that you could be feeling down, it encourages you to look for — or should I say buy — ready-made solutions rather than go through a process of understanding and accepting what we feel. This creates a fertile breeding ground for anxiety, depression, and addiction.

Phase X: making space for vulnerability and authenticity

So when and how are we allowed to be our true selves? Can we ever let our guard down? Can we even hope to grieve when and for as long as we need to?

To build a society of humans that will accept being true to themselves, we first need to lay a founding value that is empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. We need to be proud of our human nature and embrace our strengths but also our weaknesses. Without acknowledging the latter, we will never be able to identify with and help a friend in need who is going through a similar situation.

Then, we need to welcome pain in our lives instead of fighting it. We need to stop believing that grief is bad and must be avoided, forgotten at all cost.

Avoiding to think about it will not prevent us from experiencing it one day, on the contrary it will make us more vulnerable to it.

Just like refusing to assist someone who is drowning, or refusing to learn to swim, which will in no way save you once you are dropped in the ocean.

Finally, we need to shift the meaning of happiness from instant gratification to lifetime work. We need to put up with the fact that our life is and will be work in progress, that happiness cannot be bought, but comes from healthy relationships that take time and energy to form and maintain. Don’t we place more value on what took us time and effort to make? We need to stop believing in quick and easy fixes to our self-doubt, and rather use it to be better versions of ourselves.

Final words

Until it is safe enough and accepted for anyone to be themselves in the society we live in, next time you notice someone going through a hard time, whatever the reason is, why don’t you stop for a while? Try to give them some attention, some of your time, smile to them, talk to them, bring them a coffee, be open to hear what they have to say should they choose to open up.

It might hurt at first, it might bring you back painful memories, it might make you feel weak. But soon enough, you will rekindle with the good side of humanity and as it catches on, it will spread to form a civilisation of empathy. This I choose to believe.